I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.