I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
These 3D printers are insane!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Happens to everyone.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by