I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ACED my prostate exam!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.