I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
