I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Monica just destroyed the internet
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent