Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

The second world war should have been called world war returns

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.