Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird