“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?