I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
You Might Also Like
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
early stone age tool
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
He a real one for that
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”