I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
You Might Also Like
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
what’s more important?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
No laws when master is gone
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you