I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*