I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.