I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.