I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans