It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry