@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

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@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@aveuaskew

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

@gregreckons

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.