I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk