I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus