I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.