@donni Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
@goldengateblond I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You Might Also Like
@donni 
@CatherineLMK I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
@capnwatsisname Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
@Manda_like_wine Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
@Xylit0l Wish all of my viruses were this polite
@aveuaskew My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
@IamEveryDayPpl The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
@causticbob Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
@shanethevein What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
@JennyJohnsonHi5 As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?