Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?