@goldengateblond

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

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@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@IamEveryDayPpl

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

@causticbob

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?