I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment


I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.


Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.


My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…


Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.


As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?