I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sponch
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.