I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.