I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*