I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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😂😂😂😂😂😂
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Not😆🤣
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
The best shot in the history of golf
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes