I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “