I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms