@WheelTod I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
@Wtftab I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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@WheelTod 
@Tbone7219 Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
@HomeWithPeanut Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
@KatieBurnett The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@POTerritory The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
@Smooheed According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
@Dawn_M_ Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
@TheToddWilliams [boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
@Marlebean If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
@WheelTod My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.