@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

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@WheelTod

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

@HomeWithPeanut

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@POTerritory

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

@WheelTod

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.