I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Dog: Time to take me out
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.