I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party


Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]


The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia


According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him


Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.


[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now


If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.


My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.