I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.