i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Well, that didn’t work.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”