@HushJared

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

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@noneofyours99

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@Northerngent4

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

@SomthinBoutSara

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

@Kingadrock914

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@BDGarp

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@shadygrenade

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.