“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks


[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive


Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”


I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.


If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.