“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
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My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩