I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler