-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.