I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Have kids, they said
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
pep talk
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