“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.