I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work