I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You Might Also Like
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Some people were born into their job.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.