I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

You Might Also Like


Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?


So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child


Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired


[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]


“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.


Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.


If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.


Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio