@BraandoCommando Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
@better_off_dad2 I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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@BraandoCommando 
@Shenanigans_luv So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
@DeebsFLA Sweet. Free refrigerators!
@dumbbeezie Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
@runawaycupcake Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
@JasonLastname [boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
@DamienFahey “This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
@TomE83_ Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
@MomOf2Happas If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
@johntabin Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio