I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
just gave your address to some spiders
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.