I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme