I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Close call…