I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You Might Also Like
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.