I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.


I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”


I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.


If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.


*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby


“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.


A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.