@Tmoney68

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

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@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@Brianfarts

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@djdarrellripley

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@painted_eel

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

@UnFitz

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

@RAFtailgunner

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.