I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Sticker placement is key.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Incredible customer service.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.