“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!