I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I鈥檝e got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Someone: he doesn鈥檛 look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don鈥檛 play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won鈥檛 have this problem.
[told I鈥檓 needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what鈥檚 the latest possible deadline
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I don鈥檛 use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
IT鈥橲 NOT A PHASE, DAD
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
ME: we need to focus. we鈥檙e so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you鈥檒l never find the buried treasure
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I鈥檝e studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.