I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Simple enough.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: