@better_off_dad2 HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
@ch000ch i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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@better_off_dad2 
@Try2StopME Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
@iamdevloper The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
@mydmac I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
@WheelTod Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
@NapVeg turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
@MommaUnfiltered My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
@doublewenis *seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
@StruggleDisplay My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
@Pork_Chop_Hair My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.