i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable