I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Ain’t no way
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.