I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
You Might Also Like
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.