@Kyle_Lippert

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

You Might Also Like

@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@wolfpupy

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

@StcyBnsn

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@Ramitology

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.