I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win