I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Doctors texting each other.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair