A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
10: 19 or 18?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..