I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
We’ve all been there…
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.