I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?