I’ve had relationships like this
You Might Also Like
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money