I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Just me and my debit card against the world
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.