I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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Did…did a minotaur write this
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I drew y’all a little something.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.